Pantphobia


Last month, I hated putting on clothes.

Wait… before you get any ideas… don’t. No, I haven’t developed an urge to streak or to go out with my “Super Junior” hanging out for public amusement.

It’s just that… I’m sort of fat now.

Buying pants is depressing.


I had my fourth 100+ page views last Friday but I also had 22 FN page views last Sunday. I just said it. Apparently the reason why my pings are reaching glory levels is that I publish a lot of articles within a week’s span. As of this column, I have edged last week’s output by four points.

Dammit, June is just starting!

Returning to the topic, gone are the days when my hotness stems a femme-frenzied riot (BELIEVE THAT). It’s been three years since I was 180 pounds. Apparently telling people that I am macho now is “ROFL” funny.

So what’s with the pants?

For me, buying pants means that some of my pants don’t fit anymore. I love buying statement shirts but funny how my cabinet rotates a little over five pairs of pants. Dammit… wearing mere boxer shorts is bliss nowadays. The weather is brutal and wearing jeans that makes your waist cry is hard. This could pretty much explain why my tummy looks like a pregnant woman.


I hate Bench. I love Wrangler.

I once “mall-ed” with Cindy a few months back and she wanted to buy me pants for my birthday. We went to Bench and I tried testing out their pants. THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE! Their size 38 couldn’t fit plus their SIZE 42 couldn’t fit me! I was sweating inside the dressing area! Those jeans couldn’t fit nicely! I had to seriously grimace away from each “THAT” the saleslady gives out.

Five pairs of pants… to no avail. It seems as if they forgotten about the plus-sized people they should also be catering! Tell me, how big is the market for people that look like Dingdong Dantes, Piolo Pascual, Aljur Abrenica, and Jake Cuenca???

After that I was silent. Cindy noticed that too so she did the same thing.

So imagine my frustrations when my mom asked to go to the mall with her and my dad!

Now don’t get this the wrong way. I will never be ashamed of my parents. One time they gave me a ride to go to school and I was too embarrassed to kiss them in public. It kind of broke their hearts so I promised myself to never do that again (Although my father had an understanding when to or when not to do that. For example, when I was single and I saw a hot chick…).

However, it scares me that my mom would push me to buy a new pair of pants. Unfortunately for me, I had to be dragged to the mall because my mom wanted me to help her buy a statement shirt for my Fil-Am cousin the Saturday morning before I head to Batangas. After I took her to My T-Shirt Project, she noticed that Trinoma has a sale so she told me to get with them because she wanted to buy my dad a new pair of pants. I admit, I knew it was a trap. But it was a sale and even if I have been very spend-crazy for a week or so, I can’t discount the fact that I really need to buy a new set of pants.

We found ourselves at Landmark… around the pants section… specifically within the Wrangler premises. Now Wrangler seems to be tailor-fit for me. Since I was young most of my pants came to this establishment. Oh… I notice they’re now calling their pants with guy names a la those bras and those sample houses call themselves with girl names… but I don’t care! Despite my reputation for being stingy, I looked around and found a pair of pants to suit my tastes.

I WANT TO PUT MYSELF INSIDE SONNY!

Wait!

Dammit!

That’s just too wrong!

But I mean… so what? The only bad thing that would happen here is that my mom won’t shoulder the expenses (I knew better but I still tried to weasel myself into making her do it). So chose another set of pants and happily headed to the fitting area.

When I tried it on though…

HOLY FUCK! IT WOULDN’T FIT!

Just like that horrific sight at the Bench fitting room, I saw my gut and stretch marks exposed amidst that ghastly orange light that further accentuate my fat ass-ness! For every random food my mouth experienced, shit happened! Dammit… why can’t be my special hobby be exercising! I was embarrassed about what happened and when I went out of the fitting room with a disappointing face, I told my parents that I had problems putting it on… especially in the calf area. The truth hurts because you only have yourself to blame about it.

Then the saleslady told me if I should try the loose fit.

Hey… the world is right again.

Yey!

Maybe this is a realization for me to destroy the fat. My skin isn’t pretty no more and of course I wanted to look Herculean… even if that is almost near impossible.

Anyway I’m just happy I can still buy pants.

Game over.

6 Awesome Critics:

Drop by n say hi.....following u too.

May 31, 2010 at 10:42 PM comment-delete

tight pants = buy new one =P

June 1, 2010 at 12:57 AM comment-delete

hey thanks nebular! i hope you enjoyed what you did (i honestly wish you did!)

ken, the only way you'll make me buy a new set of pants whole-heartedly is when another pair of pants begins to be unwearable. :)

June 2, 2010 at 4:05 PM comment-delete

Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground!

Gen. Larry Platt
June 3, 2010 at 12:53 AM comment-delete

Kung nainsulto ka sa Bench, huwag ka nang pumunta sa Team Manila dahil siguradong walang kakasyang t-shirt sa'yo roon!

Papa Tola
June 3, 2010 at 12:57 AM comment-delete

papa tola?

of all the names george... of all the names... hehe.

sure i'll cross out team manila... bawal na rin pala ako sa artwork at sa happy days. :)

June 4, 2010 at 12:43 PM comment-delete

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