The Sydrified Presidential Special: The Mock Results


On May 10, thumbs will be darkened.

No, the government won’t punish all Filipinos by thumping a hammer straight to a person’s thumb!

It’s because the most-awaited showdown will commence.

Finally, a new president will be proclaimed by the republic.


Welcome to the Sydrified Presidential Special Mock Results – where unlike in surveys, I get to predict how the May 10 elections SHOULD turn out. I could care less of what people think. Or maybe I will… after I placed this article on the internet.

So without further adieu…

GAME STARTS NOW!


THE APPETIZERS: 12 SENATORS

These senators would probably win the election. Are they good? Some of them maybe... so brace yourselves if they win. Here are my twelve in no particular order:

1 BONG REVILLA
2 JINGGOY ESTRADA
3 MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO
4 FRANKLIN DRILON
5 TITO SOTTO
6 PIA CAYETANO
7 RISA HONTIVEROS
8 LITO LAPID
9 BONGBONG MARCOS
10 RAMON MITRA
11 RALPH RECTO
12 JUAN PONCE ENRILE

I would have wanted Ruffy Biazon, Teofisto Guingona III, and... what the fuck, IMELDA PAPIN but I don’t know if Lito Lapid can pull off another election win.


THE COULD-BE MAIN COURSE: THE TOP FIVE VICE PRESIDENTS

If you can compare this to a WWE match, this would be the Money in the Bank ladder match. The winner of this match… err title, will have a great shot to win the next presidential race. History has six vice presidents winning the presidential race. In recent history, our last two presidents were vice presidents before. The last-appointed VP was Noli de Castro. De Castro, who has yet to lose an election, retired from politics to return to his broadcasting work (plus he knows he'll lose if he runs as president). Here are the candidates and the rank I gave them.

5 EDU MANZANO: Is this guy even here to win? When Gibo picked Edu, didn’t he know that Edu has yet to win a national election seat? He couldn’t even win when he ran for mayor in Makati (Binay’s turf). I could be wrong here but maybe Edu kept most of the campaign budget the administration gave him because in his heart he knows that he won’t win?

4 LOREN LEGARDA: Villar’s continuous for Legarda would hurt his chances. Remember what Legarda did to Roxas during the VP debate? Loren’s constant swinging off the issues to diss Roxas... to no avail? Her bitterness and bitchiness are sole reasons why people won’t stand the Philippine electoral system when she wins.

3 BAYANI FERNANDO: A major downgrade for him since the reason why he appeared on Celebrity Duets was to gain nationwide recognition for his presidency. While he shares the same vision with Gordon, it seems like he’s keeping a low profile. This was the guy that kept most of Metro Manila pink! This sudden silence would definitely hurt his chances.

2 MAR ROXAS: The guy had to step down in favor of a friend and amidst the stories of treachery, black propaganda, Korina Sanchez, and betrayal, he doesn’t say anything! For Bayani, a candidate from a makeshift coalition of administration rejects, that could be bad. But for a major player in a top party, that could be good. Now, if only that wedding/PR event could turn into a good thing... because if there’s one thing working for Binay right now... it’s that Mar has some sort of ulterior motive for taking a backseat to Noynoy presidency.

1 JEJEMAR OOPS JEJOMAR BINAY: At first he seems like an Erap lackey. He’s that black dwarf that ruled a rich city. But you know what; this black dwarf looms to be the darkhorse of the VP race... no pun intended. He is friends with both Erap and Noynoy and Chiz Escudero supports his presidency. And even if he loses, expect him to get a seat in the government. Binay is in a win-win situation and I think he knows it. Plus he has a catchy jingle that didn’t came from an overexposed local song!

I had to rate the top five candidates because honestly, do people think that Yasay, Sonza, and Chipeco could win the election?

I don’t think so.


THE MAIN COURSE: THE TOP PRESIDENTS

Outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo turned 63 last April 5. She has been the Philippine president since 2001. She acquired presidency when Joseph Estrada was forced to leave office after getting charged with plunder. This was the second time the Philippines lost a president via abdication. In 1986, Ferdinand Marcos fled to the States after more than two decades of dictatorship. Amongst the highlights of Marcos’ term were martial law, Fabian Ver’s rise to power, and the assassination of Ninoy Aquino.

25 years after the People Power Revolution, another Aquino was placed to the spotlight because of another epic Philippine moment.

Almost 40 years after the Mendiola Massacre, the Nacionalistas and the Liberals are at it again. This time, they’ll try to unseat the administration bet and a former president out to reclaim his “throne”. Since there should only be one admin bet, a former admin guy bolted out of the ruling to form his own coalition. The race is so twisted that a religious leader, municipal leader, a greenpeace advocate, and a rich brat!

GAME STARTS NOW (AGAIN)!


9 NICK PERLAS
PERSONAL: An environmentalist, an educator, and a writer. He is separated from his wife. That wife is foreign. And that wife is far from ugly.
HOTNESS: He looks like a teacher. In a suit he looks like a dignitary. In a barong he looks like an old professional. In a sando and shorts, he looks like a sidewalk vendor.
CHANCE: He looks like a very, VERY private person. So why is he running in the first place? What makes him think that being a president relies only in brain and that alone? His face is a mystery to other people and I don’t think his campaign budget is big. Aside from having zero charisma it seems like he’ll only be associated in taking care of the environment. Like Delos Reyes, he could warm up to the winner so he could land a seat in DENR. But I don’t think he’ll be up to that… since he is FN private.


8 JC DELOS REYES
PERSONAL:
A small business mogul from Olongapo. He is the nephew of presidentiable Richard Gordon. He has a hot wife.
HOTNESS: He looks like RJ Ledesma, the dorky media mogul that became the face of Royal Tru-Orange during the late 80’s.
CHANCE: While he looks like a gawky teen that has yet to hit puberty (that’s endorsed by the CBCP), he is a schemer. There’s no chance for a councilor to become president but him running is enough to make himself a nationwide figure. If he’s smart enough, he needs to follow around the winner... and he needs to annoy the winner to death to give him a government spot. By 2013, expect his name to surface as the administration-backed candidate for the senatorial race.


7 JAMBY MADRIGAL
PERSONAL:
Her grandfather is Jose Abad Santos, a national hero during the Japanese period. She is currently an opposition senator. She has a rich estate where her help are dressed like the green version of the maids in Gone With the Wind.
HOTNESS: When she first ran for senator, she looked like Cynthia Luster. As she grew older she looked like a cross between Manny Villar and Andal Ampatuan. She’s the only woman running for president... but you can’t blame yourself if you mistake her for a man. Anything will look good on her as long as she doesn’t show any cleavage.
CHANCE: She disapproved celebrity endorsers so there goes her media value. She pissed off a lot of her colleagues so there goes her political alliances. She pissed off the poor people by not knowing what they eat so there goes the poor/oppressed vote. She pissed off the rich people by doing everything to get a share of her dead aunt’s money so there goes the alta de ciudad vote. What’s left for Jamby are the student votes... but obviously they know better. Kids still remember her Jajajajamby song... but too bad they can’t vote.

For what is worth, her name is so well-known that it can be an adjective.

For example: Bad trip, ang sakit ng tiyan ko. Naja-jamby ako (My tummy hurts. I need to jamby).


6 EDDIE VILLANUEVA
PERSONAL: He is the Jesus Is Lord leader. As leader he spreads the funds of his flock for schools and working opportunities.
HOTNESS: Wearing a barong, he’ll look like a preacher. In a suit, he’ll look like an Asian leader. If he wears a medical gown, he’ll look like a scientist.
CHANCE: This is his second time running for the same spot and like in 2004, I don’t like his chances. Just because he has a lot of followers, doesn’t mean those followers will vote for him. He can’t be that gullible, right? There are a lot of people out there that finds it hard to mix state with religion. His entry to the race will probably launch things to that perspective. Most of his intentions are hazy... which is why his advisers need to give him a proper program to work with.


5 GILBERT TEODORO
PERSONAL:
He’s rich, just like most of the Cojuangco clan. He’s a bar top notcher and he shot to fame by leading a task force to help the victims of Typhoon Ondoy.
HOTNESS: He looks like a somewhat young businessman when he wears a suit and a barong. If he wears a university jacket, he looks like a BAR examinee.
CHANCE: Why does an administration bet get few supporters? Partymates are leaving left and right and that could be because they don’t believe that Gibo has the ability to lead the party. We all know that he is intelligent… but can’t he have balls to tell the people that he is worthy for their votes? He tried hard to distance himself from the image of Gloria Arroyo when he got low grades in the surveys and yet he tries hard to keep PGMA in his team when the rumor that Gloria is supporting Villar happened.


4 RICHARD GORDON
PERSONAL: He currently serves as a senator and he was once the mayor of Olongapo City. He rose to fame when he made the abandoned US Naval Base Subic as an economic zone now known as the SBMA.
HOTNESS: He looks good in a suit, barong, or a jacket. His portly figure makes him look like a typical dignitary. If he poses with other heads of state, he wouldn’t look aesthetically impaired.
CHANCE: He’s the 2010 version of Raul Roco. Students and yuppies will vote for him but that can’t be enough since most youths would rather become jejemons (which means that these students are pretty much illiterates). His campaign machinery is weak too, even if those alleged Red Cross funds come into play. The “Silent Night Ad” was lame because it looked like a PCSO ad rather than campaign paraphernalia. If he was the endorsed candidate of the administration, then he could have a chance. Remember Ping Lacson when he ran against FPJ in 2004? A united administration could have been enough to spoil a Noynoy or Villar win. He whines a lot too which is somewhat annoying. TRO-ing people because they don't agree with you is NOT COOL! If this was the 1998 Elections where his SBMA accomplishments are still fresh in everyone’s minds, then he could have scored a better chance. Maybe he needs to return as SBMA chairman because Subic sucks right now.


3 MANNY VILLAR
PERSONAL: A poor man that strived to be successful and he did. He once swam in a sea of garbage. He was once a congressman and a senate president. He once spent Christmas on the streets. Did I mention he had a rich wife?
HOTNESS: He looks good in a suit. He looks like a dignitary. Not bad for a guy whose shtick is the fact that he barely ate three meals a day during his formative years.
CHANCE: He campaigned early and until now he continues to campaign strong. Without any shadow of doubt he has the most campaign paraphernalia all over the Philippines. The problem is that he campaigned too early. After the OFW commercial, the enemies swooped in, especially during his bout with the C-5 controversy. Sure, he has been campaigning strongly to destroy Noynoy’s date with destiny but the allegations that he is the true bet of President Gloria Arroyo destroyed him in the surveys as well and even to the brink of getting relegated to the third spot. He’ll find it hard losing the elections but he might forget this when his business collect serious amounts of money.


2 JOSEPH ESTRADA
PERSONAL: Coming from the rich Ejercito clan, he chose to be an award-winning actor rather than to be a lawyer. He served a lot of years as the mayor of San Juan before running for senator. He served as vice president in 1992 and in 1998 he convincingly won the national elections. His term was cut short when he was tried for plunder and was impeached. He undergone house arrest but he was eventually pardoned by Gloria Arroyo. He is an exposed womanizer that he never intended to keep as a secret. In fact, his wives and kids are pretty much living the good life as we speak.
HOTNESS: When he wears a barong, he looks like the drunken godfather of your relative’s wedding.
CHANCE: Erap had the perfect shtick: he is a cult hero that loves the masses. The problem is Noynoy’s parents; Ninoy and Cory Aquino are bigger cult heroes while Manny Villar has proclaimed himself as the protector of the poor. Hell, even his trademark orange is now being used by Villar. So what can he do to stand out? My guess is by reviving his “cartoonish” self. It worked for him in the past elections; certainly it would work in this election! The more Erap Jokes in circulation, the more chances he'll win! If there should be a darkhouse, Erap would fit that bill. How intelligent are the Filipinos? Let’s find out on May 10.


1 NOYNOY AQUINO
PERSONAL: He is the only begotten son of national hero Benigno Aquino Jr. and former president Corazon Aquino. His great-grandfather was a revolutionary general (Servillano Aquino) while his grandfather was a high-ranking official during the Commonwealth period and the Japanese Occupation (Benigno Aquino Jr.). He served as a congressman before venturing to the senate. He has four sisters… and one of them is the Queen of Talk, Kris Aquino.
HOTNESS: He can also look like your drunken uncle but he’d rather smoke than drink. His pogi points would also boom if he flaunts in public with his hot GF.
CHANCE: The wake and funeral of Cory Aquino is perhaps the biggest edge of Aquino towards his counterparts. The reaction the family got was beyond normal. Ninoy had the same funeral but it was more of an act of defiance towards the Marcos clan. Cory’s funeral was a solemn moment that was showered by support by everyone and even the Marcos clan. This is how Noynoy got the nod to headline as the Liberal Party’s top bet. Sure, as the months go by, there is a lot of black propaganda waged in front of him. But with the exception of Villar, no one dared to publicly humiliate him. It would take a big time turn to topple Noynoy from the top spot. Let it also be known that this is Noynoy’s only shot to shoot for the presidential spot – all Cory Magic will expire if and when he mess things up and lose this bout.


As you can see, the way I ranked my results rely heavily on intelligence, popularity, strategy, and brand following. Gordon and Fernando are the best choices but I don’t know if they have properly infiltrated the Vis-Min areas. Plus I don’t know if they have done enough to break into the masses which are Erap, Noynoy, and Villar’s turf. Gibo’s VP Edu is more of an anchor than a lift and so is Loren Legarda to Villar because they are annoying the people in terms of nagging and silence.

Boos could hit me but the amour of Erap with the masses could be something to notice. I can sense that Noynoy would have likely swayed a lot of these people to his side but that doesn’t mean Roxas got the job right against Binay. Like I said, Binay is a darkhorse and with the way Roxas is positioned in this campaign, I can’t help but wonder if that Noynoy-Mar tandem will stand after the polls.

GAME OVER!

3 Awesome Critics:

oh hell no gordon is not roco 2010! dude roco stood for *something* :p

May 8, 2010 at 10:12 AM comment-delete

im just saying that roco and gordon have a similar fanbase... the yuppie/student leader vote.

besides, gordon would look like a hawaiian wearing roco's patented flowery wear!

May 8, 2010 at 7:34 PM comment-delete

On May 10, thumbs will NOT be darkened. You're fingering the wrong finger! The thumbs up goes to the index finger. It's that or we can just give them the middle finger.

Anonymous
May 9, 2010 at 11:53 PM comment-delete

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