Gnomeo and Juliet - The Review



I want my money back...

I want my money back...

Just enjoy the show.

Whoever made this song surely hasn’t seen Gnomeo and Juliet.




It was obvious. How can I miss it? Why the hell did I even think I’d enjoy something called Gnomeo and Juliet? It’s a crappy name. A CRAPPY, CRAPPY NAME! Of course, this is another adaptation of William Shakespeare’s epic tale. Actually, perhaps it was my love for Shakespeare that led me to watch this. I’m a sucker for Shakespeare-themed movies. The adaptation they did in Romeo and Juliet (Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes) and in the Singaporean movie Chicken Rice War was awesome. Hell, I even found the Philippine version of Romeo and Juliet movie starring Rene Requiestas and Keempee de Leon entertaining.

I miss those movies.

They don’t make movies the way they used to.  




The Capulets and the Montagues are back but now they are envisioned as garden ornaments. Other than that it was a vehicle to showcase Elton John’s greatest tunes. Some of them were sung while some of them appeared as instrumentals.


Elton John's gnome version. 


In some ways I like Elton John songs. Whenever I find a drunk uncle singing "Skyline Pigeon" in some videoke machine, I am always finding that entertaining. I can’t believe though that they didn’t milk the Tiny Dancer song enough in this flick because the gnomes are dancing a lot in various parts of the flick and they are also small. The! There’s an obvious missed ad campaign right there!

Amongst the various voices we can hear here are James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Michael Caine, Maggie Smith, Patrick Stewart, Ozzy Osbourne, Dolly Parton, Ashley Jensen, Matt Lucas, Stephen Merchant, Jim Cummings, Hulk Hogan, and action hero Jason Statham

What unspeakable drove Jason Statham to make this movie? 

Did Ozzy ate a bat during production? 




First of all, the way they created the environment is phenomenal. While it fares less than previous 3D works, aesthetically it was pleasant. It seems as if we are checking out a bizarre Elton John dream – for it was nice, colourful, and really, really gay.

Admit it... but boys won’t mess with figurines unless they use it as a ramp or an extraneous variable for their more awesome action figures. These things are in a garden... near flowers... and they are color coordinated.

Yes... this movie is very, very fruity.

But fact is, I can sit and watch these kinds of films if it was tolerable. I watched Birdcage and I found it funny. I also saw Hairspray on HBO and I found it nice.

This sucked.


Move over Hidden Mickey... here comes Hidden Elton John. 


I wasted 600 pesos for watching this crap in 3D. First of all, I love the British accent. In fact, I love a lot of British sitcoms like Mr. Bean, Coupling, IT Crowd, Thin Blue Line, and others.

And it is just not me not laughing at their jokes. I don’t even think the jokes are made for kids because kids nowadays aren’t easily amused viewing bad jokes that leave no taste at all! I mean I can’t say tasteless because that’s not the word I am looking for.

Bland... boring... dull... dreary... uninteresting... earth’s representation to black hole...  

Those are the words I am looking for.

Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic... I am one of your ardent supporters but I seriously think you messed up by giving this a near positive rating.


*** SPOILER ALERT ***


If you are reading this part, believe me... you’ll be thankful I saved your money.

Sure there were instances that I smirked but I can’t get why I can’t laugh at this flick. I found the humor crappy, cheesy, corny, and weak. The background was colourful but it failed to make the public give a damn at the characters. I mean I am okay with the Gnomeo and Juliet character as well as the Tybalt character but the clan heads were mere (no pun intended) ornaments in the movie. Michael Caine and Maggie Smith were greatly misused in the movie. They had some sort of “Up” moment when the flamingo flashbacked and that was the only endearing part in the movie. 


Okay... so maybe I also like the part where the old lady gnome heels up and approves on the annoying blue dwarf’s mission to send out the monster mower to the other side of the fence.

It turned out the lawn mower was the enemy. I mean, a massive lawn mower pimped by the voice of Hulk Hogan was the enemy and he was the enemy because he just like to destroy things. First of all, I didn’t know that gnomes at access to their owner’s credit cards. Second of all, what is up with the “dance revolution” on the touchpad? What was the sense in that?

I can understand the well... but what about the toilet? Why in the holy hell would there be a toilet in the middle of the garden? Does the person living there have no friends? 




I would have wanted a bunch of Shakespearean verses in the movie than having the Shakespeare statue acting like a douche. The romance wasn't really that featured here. Sure there were a lot of cutesy moments but in order for them to seriously use the dynamic parts of 3D animation, they gave an extensive amount of time on the adventure aspect of the flick. In order for a romantic movie about star-crossed lovers to get build, they have to exclusively have the spotlight and the other characters must do whatever they can to stop or protect their romance and sadly it didn't happen in this movie. 




When Gnomeo was allegedly crushed, all Juliet did was give up. I mean it's bad to promote suicide in a kid's medium but they could have at least teased it! 

And the ending? A crappy, curtain call-like ending where they dance? Really? I wished the credits rolled when this happened so I can just leave. I could have left mind you but 600 pesos doesn’t just drop from your ass!  


*** SPOILER ENDS ***


I would have tolerated this if they gave a fresh and brilliant take on the story. Instead, the audience got nothing. The story was a bit dry and during the big scenes it tends to underachieve. It was like bad bacteria (Yakult will tell you that there is good bacteria) gradually eating your insides and in the end you’ll just realized that you just got duped.

I want my money back...

I want my money back...

Just enjoy the show.

Game over.

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